One of the main problems with going for a walk is the inevitable moment when you meet other people. This is made worse if you go for a walk at the same time each day because people are creatures of habit. If you go walking at 09:30, so do other people. Now I have people who I don’t know but who I’m expected to say hello to every time I see them.
This is bad enough when those people are mad old men who you always happen across when they’re about to have a piss against a tree. But it’s much worse when the person you see every time you go out is attractive.
I first experienced this problem when I used to walk to work. I’d set off at the same time every morning and would always cross paths with the girl who worked at the butty shop.
She was five foot five, had short brown hair, slim body, pretty face and a nice smile.
I was five foot ten, sweaty, red, and could barely manage to mouth a silent and embarrassed, “morning”.
One day, she laughed at me. The next day a tramp also laughed me. Are these two events connected. Yes. Probably.
These days I’m a full grown man and I don’t embarrass as easily, so when I saw a nice lady in the park bending over to pick up some dog shit I tried to sneak past before she noticed me looking at her arse. I almost got away with it. If she hadn’t been alerted by her rather giddy dog (a setter or spaniel or something bouncy) she probably wouldn’t have noticed me. The fact that she did in fact have a dog with her was a relief. I’d hate to think my future wife would be one of those oddballs who collects shit to keep in an album.
You may have noticed that I referred to this woman as my future wife and be wondering how I came to that conclusion. Well, later at the shop I was accosted by some friends of my parents and the nice lady walked past. I looked over, and she smiled at me.
Of course there’s always the possibility that she could have been simply reminiscing about a nice cake she had bought from that very shop or she might have been smiling at the man stood behind me. She may even have been thinking excited thoughts about pasting her newly collected shit in her shit album when she got home. Who knows how the mind of a woman works?
My next task is to reel her in which will most likely involve either hiding in trees and throwing acorns at her or pushing her down and running off.
However, after much thought, I have come up with a cunning plan that will take advantage of her enjoyment of picking up dog shit.
I will buy a dog.
Today is D in the A to Z Challenge, D is for Dog. What did you expect me to do? My future wife and I shall bond over our dogs. Which I will then sell for cake. The plan is fool proof and will result in cake and sexy time.
What can possibly go wring?